Rainbows

Thought to be the result of light reflecting off of droplets of moisture in the Earth’s atmosphere, rainbows, in fact, are not hing of the sort.

 

The first rainbow was recorded in 1952, May 21st, to be exact. It is no coincidence that this is also the day that Mr. T was born. You see, as soon as Mr. T popped out, he looked up at the nurse who was attending his Mom. The nurse had an orgasm and Mr. T smiled.

 

Out of this smile  spread a ray of multi-colored light that shone from his mouth to the woman’s vagina.

His smile causes natural phenomenons.

Tattoos on the Lower Back

Beware, they come with a price.

Known to the Germans as “Ass Antlers,” to Americans as ”Tramp Stamps,” and “Signs of overripe kiwis,” to New Zelanders, a tattoo on the lower back did not always mean what they do today.

You see Pocahontas, that beacon of female strength, had a tattoo on her lower back. Pocahontas got the tat as a sign of her fidelity to John Smith. She thought the lower back was a little less conspicious then the one she made John get.  Being as he had “Pocahontas’s bitch” on his forehead, we here at HTS  think she was right.

Always makes wise decisions.

Afternoon Naps

Loves the latin women..... when they don't talk.

The deliciousness that is an afternoon nap is undisputed. Whether it be after a long night of drinking- the “I can’t bear the thought of that chick I hooked up with last night so I’m going to go to sleep” nap, because you don’t have anything else to do- the “Sunday afternoon” nap, or because you just ate a huge lunch and are feeling tired- the “I’m a fat fuck but don’t care” nap, the afternoon nap is truly a gift from the Gods.

Sleeping while it is still light out was first started by Woody Harrelson. While filming the classic movie “White Men Can’t Jump” Woody would often get tired of listening to his co-star, Rosie Perez speak.

Her insistent, annoying accent would drive him to retreat to his trailer with a headache. He tried everything to make these headaches go away (drinking heavily, masturbating, and talking to his stuffed bear, Mr. Happy- you know the usual remedies) but nothing worked. He finally laid down, exhausted. 

Once asleep, he had classy dreams of a mute Rosie Perez naked. He told his blood brother Wesley Snipes what had happened and the two of them have spooned every afternoon since.

Kwanzaa

Begun in 1941 by Adolf Hitler, Kwanzaa used to mark the official “We love the Jews” day. This holiday took on a different meaning in America when Mr. Rogers commented on his popular television show  “Mr. Rogers, Up in that Ass” that he loved the black man.

Big fan of the black man.

In fact, Rogers proceeded to go into a rant for the next 20 minutes about how he wished he was black and how he loved black women.  He did note that although he was white, Mr. Rogers “Ain’t no one to fuck with” because where he came from you either had to be “slinging crack rock or have a wicked jump shot.”

The Pink Box

No matter what form it takes, pink signifies deliciousness. No wonder everything from donuts to muffins to classy purchases from Victoria’s Secret come in pink boxes.

Pink means delicious.

 

Pink signifies deliciousness because of one man. That man is God.

 

Clearly, the answer to the question “Does God love us?” is yes. He created the Pink Box. He must love us.

 

So even though you might pretend not to like it, be thankful for the pink box.

Breakfast Burritos

In a little known twist on a well-known story, breakfast burritos are in fact the creation of the Gods- Zeus to be exact. Zeus was a jealous deity but all things considered, he hooked us up. He did send Pandora and her infamous box to earth in response to Prometheus stealing fire from the Gods, but it could have been much worse.

When Pandora opened the box, all the ills that modern man knows were unleashed on the world (STDs, poverty, hunger, Coldplay) but something came out of that box that balanced out all those ills: breakfast burritos. Zeus knew that he couldn’t hate on the humans too much, so he included the most delicious early morning meal that human lips have ever tasted: a chorizo breakfast burrito with mashed potatoes, onions, cheese, and salsa.

Good looking, Zeus.

To top it off, Zeus threw in an extra side of guacamole.

HTS appreciation: Zeus, you have helped us here at HTS with many a hangover. You are a very classy brosef.

The Alarm Clock

The bane of all our existences, the alarm clock is often cursed, thrown against walls, and used as an excuse (“I’m sorry I missed the final, Professor, my alarm clock didn’t go off”). However, the fact that it is used throughout the world is an indication of the alarm clock’s importance to modern man. As such, it is important to know the history behind the machine before the next time you tell it “to shut the fuck up.”

The alarm clock was invented in 1865- April 8th to be exact.  Robert E. Lee knew that the following day he had to meet “that damn drunk Grant” to surrender and end the Civil War. He also knew that Grant was “as punctual as a rooster’s pecker” so he wanted to make sure he was on time for their 7 a.m. meeting time. He didn’t want to upset Grant and induce more carnage, so he ordered one of his top Lieutenants to make sure he woke him up “when his morning wood was just starting to go down” because as everyone knows, that is right around 6 a.m.

The Lieutenant did as he was told, made sure he laid his hand down on his crotch so he would wake up when his woody was retreating (or as he would later say: “When the dream about Mrs. Lincoln getting frisky with herself in the outhouse finally ended”), woke up his General, the Civil War was ended, and the alarm clock came into being.

Water Cooler Talk

Using a landmark as a meeting place to rendezvous and discuss current events is a time honored tradition. It wasn’t until modern times, however, that this landmark became a water cooler.

The water cooler became the center of office gossip because of the infamous Lil Wayne lyric: “Oooh she wanna lick the rapper, I tell her lick the rapper, but don’t forget to hydrate.”

Get Some.

Since then, people have been taking time out of their days to ensure they are properly hydrated. At the same time, as their co-workers are also concerned with their physical well-being, they take the opportunity to chat about current events, including Lil Wayne’s new CD: “My baby momma smells like chocolate, III.”

Firemen

Consciously running into a fire to try and put it out isn’t something that most people consider a fun activity, much less a job. 

Thank God for Davy Crockett. Mr. Crockett, American patriot, pioneer, and coonskin cap wearer was the first fireman. It all went down on that fateful day when Mr. Crockett was three years old. You see, Davy killed a bear, like the song says, but he didn’t do it on purpose. In fact, it was a horrific experience for him as he was also the first member of PETA.

After he realized what he had done, Mr. Crockett went into a crazed state, he started speaking in tongues, drooling and running around yelling “horseradish is the shiz, horseradish is the shiz.” Obviously not right in the mind, Mr. Crockett went over to his boy’s crib and asked him for the peace pipe. His boy, Running Unibrow, recognized the sad state that Davy was in and did not want to waste the smoothest “Seminole shit” he had ever tried on someone so crazy.

A struggle soon ensued, the pipe was dropped, and Unibrow’s teepee was soon ablaze. Snapping out of his sad state, Davy yelled “Unibrow, grab your loincloth and let’s get out of here.” When Unibrow refused to leave without first finding his lucky buffalo balls, Davy knocked him out and carried him to safety while humming the now famous fireman anthem “it’s raining men, hallelujah, it’s raining men.”

The Business Card

The practice of placing such inane data as your name, phone number, and official title on a small piece of paper to give to others in a ritualistic ceremony known as networking began in the 1700’s.

It's business time.

It was late afternoon, and Eli “The Cotton Gin” Whitney was hard at work inventing. For Whitney, working was the same as getting drunk (thus the nickname), so he was well into a bender when he was reminded that he had to give a speech to the local Quakers. Never one to use his alcoholism as an excuse, Eli “manned up” and went to give the talk.

Upon reaching the stage, and realizing that he had forgotten what he was supposed to talk about, Eli quickly improvised. He asked for questions and before anyone could think of something to say, he took out a piece of paper on which he had drawn a stick figure of himself running naked through a field of cotton and yelled, “Anything further, here’s my info.” He walked off the stage with an: ”I’m out bitches.”