The Beer Bong

Knocking a few cold, alcoholic beverages back has always been a popular way to unwind after a long day or week. However, when a few just wasn’t enough, and a person was looking to change their perception for a few hours, there was no good way to quickly accomplish this goal.

It used to take at least a good half an hour before a person could look at themselves in the mirror and say truthfully, “it’s cool that I was running around in my underwear, wearing that pink wig, and yelling ‘I love fairies, I love fairies’ last night because I was drunk.”

This grave problem was thankfully resolved in 1962 by a 17- year old in Montana. Thomas “T-Love” Johnson was out with his friends one night, drinking beers, and looking for cows that they could tip. They came across an abandoned windmill that had tipped over as one of its legs had broken. After seeing that the broken leg was hollow, T-Love was struck with an epiphany. He had one of his friends climb up on top of the windmill and pour a beer in the hollow pipe. After he had successfully completed drinking one beer out the other side of the pipe, T-Love knew he had stumbled across something special. This new ability to chug a high quantity of beer very rapidly enabled T-Love and his friends to significantly reduce the time it took to “get spicy” and thus he improved the quality of human life forever after.

As with any important new invention, the beer bong has spun off useful innovations. A young craftsman in Alaska carved a circuitous path through a large block of ice- thus creating the ice luge and getting him laid later that night. The beer bong also led to the keg stand as it encouraged people to be more creative when thinking about ways to drink beer. 

As for T-Love and his friends, they proceeded to drink the rest of their beers in this new found manner and then go tip over all of Farmer Johnson’s cows. Incidentally, that night was the first night that the world witnessed its first case of bestiality- but that’s a different and much darker story.  HTS would like to remind its readers that with great power- the beer bong- comes great responsibility- don’t have sex with animals.

Like the wheel, fire, or the light bulb, the beer bong is an invention that has improved the quality of human life immeasurably. Thank you, T- Love.