The Alarm Clock

The bane of all our existences, the alarm clock is often cursed, thrown against walls, and used as an excuse (“I’m sorry I missed the final, Professor, my alarm clock didn’t go off”). However, the fact that it is used throughout the world is an indication of the alarm clock’s importance to modern man. As such, it is important to know the history behind the machine before the next time you tell it “to shut the fuck up.”

The alarm clock was invented in 1865- April 8th to be exact.  Robert E. Lee knew that the following day he had to meet “that damn drunk Grant” to surrender and end the Civil War. He also knew that Grant was “as punctual as a rooster’s pecker” so he wanted to make sure he was on time for their 7 a.m. meeting time. He didn’t want to upset Grant and induce more carnage, so he ordered one of his top Lieutenants to make sure he woke him up “when his morning wood was just starting to go down” because as everyone knows, that is right around 6 a.m.

The Lieutenant did as he was told, made sure he laid his hand down on his crotch so he would wake up when his woody was retreating (or as he would later say: “When the dream about Mrs. Lincoln getting frisky with herself in the outhouse finally ended”), woke up his General, the Civil War was ended, and the alarm clock came into being.