The Pimp Cane

Recognized for their entrepreneurial spirit and smooth talk, pimps are easily spotted. Nevertheless, the most prominent feature of any pimp’s wardrobe, is his cane.

It may come as a surprise, therefore, that the pimp cane came from an unlikely source: Helen Keller. Yes, the first deaf and blind person to ever graduate from college was also the first person to employ a cane when out ”chasing that paper.”

Being blind, Helen used to need someone to guide her wherever she went. Helen quickly turned this situation into her advantage by employing a cane to get around and sending her helper out “to go make my money. I don’t care if it snowing, you should be out ho’ing.” 

It’s true what they say, necessity plus ingenuity leads to invention. A blind pimp didn’t want to run into walls, so she invented the pimp cane.

The Tuxedo T-shirt

A staple in every self respecting man’s wardrobe, the Tuxedo T-shirt is a classic. Worn in place of a real tuxedo, this T-shirt sends the message “I’m classy, yet fiscally responsible.”

The first Tuxedo T-shirt was much like the first ever Simpsons episode: rudimentary but clearly something important. The inventor and wearer of said first edition was none other then Mr. Fantastic Voyage himself, Coolio.

You see, Coolio didn’t get that crazy hair on purpose. He was a shy young man who was very unsuccessful with the ladies until he decided to do something drastic. He cut up his father’s wedding outfit and sewed it onto the front of his “Boyz N Da Hood” Tshirt before a high school dance. The amount of ass he got that night, the first in his life, led to Coolio’s hair being permanently shocked upwards, the Tuxedo T-shirt becoming popular with shy, awkward males, and to the words of one of Coolio’s hit songs.

 

“Come along just take a ride,

Put on your Tuxedo T-Shirt and get inside

Slide slide who-ride”

Coolio is the shiz.

Calling “Shotgun”

Doesn't run from nobody... unless it's his baby momma

The action of staking one’s claim on the front seat of a car, calling “shotgun”, is a highly contentious affair that often leads to heated exchanges and a flaring of tempers. In addition, there are many variations on the set of rules that govern the calling shotgun (it is a fact that you are not allowed to call shotgun when the vehicle is not in sight).

Shotgun’s beginnings are as dispusted as its rules. Many people claim it has to do with old stagecoaches in the Wild West. In order to protect themselves from highway bandits, the drivers of these stagecoaches employed someone to sit by their side with a shotgun. This seems like a logical explanation, but is not how “shotgun” got its start.

In fact, “shotgun” began when the Notorious B.I.G. was running from his baby momma, Lil Kim. He ran out the house yelling to his boy, Diddy (at the time known as Bitch Daddy), “She got the shotgun. She got the shotgun. Start the Suburban.”

As always, Diddy didn’t understand a true hip hop artist so he entitled his next single “Big got Shotgun in my ride.”

And as they say, that was that.

Playing it by “Ear”

Noted for his artistic creativity, Vincent Van Gogh was many things: a revolutionary artist who created a new form of painting in Impressionism, a genius with paint and a brush, and above all, a man.

Like all other men, Van Gogh would, from time to time, get fed up with his woman. It was on such an occasion that VG would lay the ground work for the now famous quip.  Van Gogh was painting the Starry Night one day, when his lady of the moment, Belinda, rolled into the studio.  As woman are known to do, Belinda immediately started complaining to the Goghster about the awful day she was having. She kept going on and on, not letting Van Gogh paint. 

Not known for putting up with trifling ladies.

Finally, it got so bad that Van Gogh actually cut off a piece of his left ear and yelled: “Spaghetti!” Imaging that her man had gone insane, Belinda ran off and Van Gogh was able to complete his painting and never had to hear from Belinda again.

When word of the event got round, people started to refer to any act of spontaneous genius “as playing it like Van Gogh.” It wasn’t until later that “playing it like Van Gogh” was changed to “playing it by ear” in obvious homage to the talent and incredible genius that Van Gogh had demonstrated in getting rid of a trifling ho.

Morning Breath

A plague to humans everywhere, waking up with breath that smells like poop is quite common. While multiple cures have been suggested through the years- stop drinking so much that you puke or don’t eat Taco Bell at 2 in the morning- nothing seems to work.

The explanation for this phenomenon is simple: the tooth fairy is pissed. For all those times that you never left a treat for the friendly tooth fairy, but put out a spread for that fat bastard Santa, you get bad morning breath. The tooth fairy is quite the jealous biatch. Whenever she and the other fanciful characters get together, she has to hear from Santa about the delicious cookies he eats and how the notes little children leave him make him feel so good. 

Don't F with the tooth fairy.

The tooth fairy ain’t taking it no more. You screw her, you wake up smelling like shit.

 

 

And yes, Jewish people don’t get morning breath.

The Telephone

Everybody knows that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. What isn’t known is that Alex did it to help out his boy Paul Revere.

As is now commonly known, Paul Revere invented the Booty Call (see April 9’s post for clarification). However, Revere soon got tired of going over to his ho’s house to place the booty call, so he went to his friend AGB for help.

Bell listened to Revere’s dilemma and vowed he would help. After numerous attempts, Bell came up with the telephone.

Clearly, friendship is its own reward- it leads to world changing inventions and it helps get you laid.

The Skateboard

Before Tony Hawk blew up with his kick-flips, fakeys, and front-side grinds, there was:

Barney the big purple dinosaur.

You may know Barney as the somewhat homosexual dinosaur that used to be a staple of children’s entertainment on TV. But what isn’t as well known is that when he wasn’t teaching youngsters how to count, Barney was off-set “ripping it on his board.” When asked how he came up with the idea for the skateboard, Barney looked bleak and responded:

        ”That was a very bad day. A very bad day. I hadn’t slept for various days. I was so tired and strung out on LSD that I was a light shade of pink. Shit was very bad. I jumped up, slapped myself in the face and said, ‘Dammit, Barney. You’re better then this.’ I took one step and slipped on a stack of Hustlers that was lying on an empty Hennessy bottle. My dumb ass went slipping around the room. After I got up, I knew I was on to something.”

The next morning, after another bender and some wild, unprotected sex, Barney glued some magazines onto two empty bottles of Hennessy and went skating down to the set to film his hit TV shows. When asked to comment on the day he unveiled the skateboard to the world, all Barney would say was: “Barney is the shit.”

The First Beer

As Benjamin Franklin once said: “Beer is proof that God likes us.” While it is the case that no truer words have been spoken, what isn’t clear is how this concoction of the Gods came to be here on Earth- that is, it wasn’t clear until HTS did a little research.

Beer comes from a probable source, but one that is not often thought about. That source is, of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger. It all happened one day when Arnold, yes the Governator, was working out in preparation for a body-building competition (it just so happens that it was around the same time he was immortalized on film as the subject of the documentary Pumping Iron). Arnold had just done his 100th rep on the bench press and was about to down a cup of 20 egg yolks when something happened to him that had never occurred before. A single bead of sweat broke out on Arnold’s forehead.

Having never sweated before, Arnold was very curious to see what was on his forehead. When he took the bead of sweat off his head, it slipped and fell into his cup.

A chemical reaction took place in that mythical cup that to this day cannot be explained. Somehow the combination of the egg yolks and Arnold’s sweat produced a delicious beer.

Arnold immediately exclaimed, “Let’s get serious,” drank the beer, did a hundred push ups with his eyelashes and proceeded to impregnate a bystander with the second drop of sweat.

The Bagel

Enjoyed everywhere around the globe, the bagel is an international staple at the breakfast table. The inventor of the bagel is an unlikely hero to these morning feasters; and is most certainly better known for his other exploits.

Ron Jeremy, before he became Ron Jeremy, was a young, shy, unconfident 18 year old. Young Ron, or “dick face” as the kids at school called him, wasn’t very good with the ladies. It got so bad that one day, Ronnie took one of his mother’s freshly cooked loaves of bread for a snack back to his bedroom and instead of eating it, he went for, as he reports now, “that good feeling” and put a hole in the bread.

 

To this day, people still call him “dick face,” only for a different reason.

The Neck Tie

A symbol of the modern businessman, the neck tie is a common element of office dress. 

The neck tie was invented by Pablo Escobar, the famous Colombian drug lord. Pablo’s favorite method of dispatching those who got in his way, including policemen, members of the military and bounty hunters, was to give them a “Colombian neck-tie.” No this isn’t a present your kids give you for your birthday, the Colombian neck-tie is somewhat different from your normal office neck wear.

When Esco spoke of the “neck tie,” he was referring to cutting a slit in the throat of his enemy and pulling the person’s tongue out this slit. He would tell them, “Nice outfit, not!.” Then he would cut their throats and tell them “Go make me a sandwich.” Pablo had a strange sense of humor, to be sure, but he was also an astute businessman. In fact, he went on to successfully market such classic neck wear as the “piano tie” and the lesser known “balls on your chin” tie.